I recently read Captain Awkward’s post about Letter Writer #1246 whose boyfriend was stressing her out moneywise. I have been there, but I wanted to explore this thought:
BF is the closest I’ve found to “my person”, if you get me — our connection, chemistry, and compatibility are mind bending. I’ve dated a lot of people in my day and never felt about them the way I do about him.
So how does one deal with finding your soulmate only to realize that you can’t be together? How do you connect so thoroughly with another human being that you make plans and conjure dreams …and then walk away? It could be for anything. Incompatibilities come in a thousand shades: you live in separate states, you work in different shifts, you don’t agree on how many children to have (or not have), your dream jobs are in different parts of the world, etc.
For me, it was Jay. We connected quickly, and with a snap, my entire life changed. Heart, mind, soul – different and better than before. We were opposites in the best ways. I learned from his unique perspectives, from his spontaneity. I admired his wild ideas. I respected his differences. He woke up some part of my soul that I didn’t even know had become dormant. His differences fed ideas that I had not dare think. I saw his potential – our potential – like a spirit vision, and I was suddenly reborn into a new world. And I fell hard and fast. I did everything wrong. I ignored signs and red flags. I made bad choices because I didn’t want to believe what was right in front of me.
The vision shattered, and I was horrified at the mess I had caused myself. He lied to me about sharing expenses. I had believed his promises without proof and so I went into debt while I was trying to buy a house. He used me for housing, even while he pushed me aside. He did not cherish me like I did him. And it hurt. Oh, it hurt. It stung unlike any pain. Because this betrayal seemed deeper, bigger than any before. I knew the taste of his soul. How could this even be possible?
But it was.
What got me through it was … my soul. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t who I thought he was. It didn’t matter that we couldn’t live the dreams we made together. It didn’t matter that he hurt me. Because I changed. Fundamentally. What I felt for him changed me. For the better. It woke up a part of me that I had let die. Some hope or some wish, some perspective or some spirit sparked back to life. He had given me a gift, the gift of some piece of me that I’d forgotten. I have new hobbies and new perspectives now because of how I loved him. And it doesn’t matter that the dream of our love didn’t last. The gift he gave me remains. I know now that he doesn’t deserve it, but I deserved finding that lost piece of me and that is all that matters.
A Feather of Truth 